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President to Surge Troops; Rice to Surge Diplomacy

In Response, Cheney Surges Evilness

Washington - President Bush unveiled his new plan to surge twenty-one thousand, five hundred troops into Baghdad, a surge he insisted would be phased, creating a compound noun: a phased-surge. 

When asked how precisely one can phase a surge, the president was quick to point out that while surges are generally considered things which are done all at once, his administration has often managed to do things all at once and over time.  "Look, I think we can phase a surge.  And I'm the one who makes decisions on whether the surge is phased or unphased.  So if you want to see what a phased surge looks like, don't bring up physics or any of that mumbo-jumbo, just rely on me."

The president was then asked whether he thought anyone in America still used the term mumbo-jumbo.  "I do," he said.  "Watch.  Mumbo-jumbo.  Mumbo-jumbo."  He grinned.  "I just like sayin' it."

In tandem with the surge in troops, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice unveiled plans for her own diplomatic surge.  Speaking to reporters this morning, the secretary of state indicated she would be meeting with regional leaders to discuss what she called the security situation in Iraq. 

One reporter indicated that there are security situations everywhere, and that it would be more appropriate to call the security situation a civil war.  The secretary of state responded, "That's why I have to surge!"

She went on to say that she plans to surge for many days.  "I don't know how much surging I can do before I get tired, but I'm going to surge as much as possible.  I love the way it feels."

Standing beside her, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, "I used to surge all the time when I was younger, but I haven't surged as much recently.  It cramps my hand."

"There's medicine for that," the secretary of state said. 

Not to be outdone, Vice President Dick Cheney returned from an altered state in which he had become a mound of neon green gelatinous goop to disclose this at a press conference: "In light of recent surges by both the president and secretary of state, I have undertaken my own surge to eat the heads of as many doves as possible."

He had his assistant hand him a live dove, which he ate the head off.  He threw the body of the dove at at his aide, who seemed confused.  Then he turned into goop again, and his aides shovelled him into a red wheelbarrow and carted him off. 

President to Smoke Em In

President Discusses Desire to Establish an Existentialist State

Washington - Last night, President Bush unveiled his new strategy for Iraq, which includes sending an additional twenty-one thousand, five hundred troops into the troubled country, most of those to be deployed in the capital of Baghdad. 

Standing virtually still and speaking to a camera, the President argued that he believed a troop surge--the language he and others in the administration have used--would bring stability to areas of the city in need of reconstruction. 

He went on to say to top aides afterwards, however, that he has learned life is meaningless and that if such a surge does not work, then so be it.  "I don't know that it matters anymore, and maybe what we need is not a democracy, but an existentialist oligarchy that makes capricious decisions based on emotions and religious idealism."

When that aide asked whether such a government would truly be reflective of the American democracy he had wanted to set up in Iraq, the president said, "It's pretty much what we have now."  He would have said more, but in an nearby room, a commercial for Juicy Fruit gum came on, and the president insisted the aid dance with him the catchy tune. 

Later in the evening, Vice President Dick Cheney said he supported the president's plan.  "I can think of nothing more purely evil than sending additional troops into a civil war."  He asked for a moment to eat the head off a dove.  He threw the body at a cardboard sillouette of Keith Olberman he had propped up in the rose garden.    

The most ardent supporter of the president and vice president, however, has been Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.  Speaking with new Defense Secretary Robert Gates this morning, the secretary of state said, "Not only do I support the president's plan, but I also support Dick Cheney eating live doves."

Democrats on Capitol Hill had a different messages.  Opposition to the plan has been fierce, with Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois officially criticizing the president as doing the opposite of what Americans want.   "Escalation of this war is not the change the American people called for in the last election. Instead of a new direction, the president's plan moves the American commitment in Iraq in the wrong direction." He continued, "And there's just no reason to eat the heads off doves here.  That was just uncalled for.  A chicken I can understand.  But a dove.  That's just not right."

The vice president responded by saying, "Telling me I can't bite the heads off doves will only emolden the enemy."  He then licked a cardboard image of Sean Hannity.  "You sexy, squinty man, you.  I love your apeish hairline." 

Foley Wins Most Ironic Person of Century Award

Previous Winners Include Oedipus Rex, Alanis Morrisette

Washington - A silver lining in the dark story of Representative Mark Foley (R - Florida) was announced today, when the American Center for the Study of Irony rejoiced at such an extreme example of the meaning of irony that with ninety-four years left in the century, they decided to award the disgraced representative with their Most Ironic Person of the Century trophy.  Said Dr. Emile Edelson of the Center, "This is a great day for the understanding of the definition of that elusive word!"

Representative Mark Foley has holed himself up in an alcohol rehabilitation program after it was exposed that he engaged in sexually explicit emails and instant messages with underage pages. 

Mr. Foley, ironically, has in the past served as Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, where he championed bills such as the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006.

Ironically, the act in particular broadens the definition of a "specific (sexual) offense against a minor" to include:

C. Sollicitation to engage in sexual conduct.
H. Criminal sexual conduct involving a minor or the use of the Internet to facilitat such conduct.

When reached for comment, Representative Foley feigned drunkenness, denied remembering such a law was ever passed, and asked whether Bob Woodward had reported otherwise in his new book, State of Denial. 

His lawyer later issued a statement apologizing for the former representative's behavior and arguing, "It goes to show just how much Mr. Foley cares about this law's success that he would test it himself with such wanton enthusiasm, like a boy in a field!"

This Would be News: Violence in Baghdad Drops 41 Percent, Rises 74 Percent

Bush Blames Voodoo Mathematics for Numbers, then Blames Numbers Themselves

Washington - According to a top U.S. Army Colonel, violence in Baghdad fell sharply in the month of August, from 52 murders per day to 31 murders per day, a decrease of 41 percent.  Unfortunately, recent violence in Baghdad has increased 74 percent, from the August mark of 31 per day to the entering-September mark of 54 per day. 

President Bush and others in his administration had pointed to the percent drop in murder in Baghdad as evidence of various outcomes, including that U.S. forces were gaining the upper hand against insurgents targeting civilians and that Iraqi forces soon would be able to take over the burden of providing security. 

Violence over the last three days, however, represented by a 74 percent increase in Baghdad murders, seems to cast doubt on such predictions. 

However, one administration official was quick to point out that the numbers are not entirely discouraging.  "In terms of the Iraqis being able to take over their own security, the rise in violence is actually good.  If we define taking over security as doing the same job we've been able to do, I would argue the Iraqis could take over security as early as... what time is it?"

When pressed to answer for the sudden upswing in violence considering his optimistic remarks of late, President Bush responded defiantly, "It's not my fault percentages work the way they do.  Look, when you have a murder rate of fifty and you drop it to twenty-five, that's only fifty percent decrease.  Then if that murder rate of twenty-five becomes fifty again, that's a one hundred percent increase.  Heck, that just doesn't seem fair."

President Bush went on to say that he is having those CIA analysts not purged from their jobs for disagreeing with the war look into the mathematics of the new numbers.  "We're gonna see if we can make math fair for the American people, our troops, and the spread of freedom all over the world!"

This Would Be News: After Reading The Stranger, Bush Epiphany Continues

In Related Story, Frustrated Cheney Eats Own Foot

Camp David, MD - Citing the masterwork, The Stranger, by Albert Camus, George Bush's epiphany continued today, though it caused Vice President Cheney, displeased by Bush's existentialist angst, to eat his own foot, a move President Bush called, "Trite and meaningless."

The President read The Stranger during his vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas.  He and White House Press Secretary Tony Snow had a spirited discussion afterwards regarding the book, during which the President labeled it "interesting" and a "quick read."  When pressed for further details, however, Snow indicated only that he and the President discussed the roots of existentialism.

Days later, though, the meaning of the book has hung with the President, who is said to identify with the hero, or anti-hero of the novel, Meursault, a drift-less young man who commits the murder of an Arab. 

The President is now making the argument that the invasion of Iraq resulted from "organic, though unconscious existential tendencies."  Said the President, "Just as Mersault is driven to commit the act of murder by his own perhaps ironic existential angst, so too was I driven to randomly invade a country, killing thousands of Americans and Iraqis."  Added President Bush, "None of it matters, anyway."

Vice President Cheney, however, strongly disagreed.  He and the President are rumored to have gotten into a heated argument at Camp David earlier today, during which Cheney offered proof that existentialism is naive.  According to sources, the vice president ate his own foot in front of the President, then proceed to hobble, bleeding, around the room as the President, sickened by the display, vomited pretzels out the window. 

"See?" said Vice President Cheney.  "I don't have a foot and you vomited!  You can't tell me this means nothing!"

But the President was not moved.  Soon after vomiting his pretzels, the President appeared at Camp David to answer criticism of his wiretapping program in light of a federal strike-down of the program as unconstitutional. 

Said the President, "These things don't matter--privacy, freedom, Dick Cheney's foot.  They don't matter.  We live in a meaningless time, and the great among us can only try to make meaning out of nothing.  But we all ultimately fail.  And it can be said, then, that the ultimate example of ultimately failing is my administration's policies.  In that respect, I have succeeded."

This Would be News: Pretzel Exports Down

Foreign Countries Shy Away from U.S. Entanglements, Cite Bush's Previous Pretzel Plight

New York - Citing increased hostility toward U.S. entanglements and the failure of President George Bush to successful chew them, many countries around the world have moved to block imports of pretzels from Frito Lay and other major American snack corporations. 

In the last year, exports of pretzels have dropped nearly fifty percent.  Frito Lay, which owns among others the Rold Gold brand of pretzel, has seen a sixty-nine percent drop in pretzel exports since the Iraq War began, and a forty percent drop in the last nine months alone.  Says CEO Irene Rosenfeld, "It's astounding.  It's as though no one wants anything to do with us."

Frito Lay and other snack makers have seen shares of their stock dip by five percent in the last two weeks, as it was announced that planned expansion into Iraq markets would be delayed indefinitely as a result of sectarian violence and potential civil war. 

Rosenfeld stated, "We had hoped to bring our wonderful twisted product to the bellies of Iraqis."  Rosenfeld went on to say that it was only in a democracy that the pretzel could be full appreciated.  "The pretzel is a symbol of interconnectedness," said Rosenfeld.  "Apparently, the Iraqis don't feel that way."

In response to dwindling prospects in the Middle East at large resulting from an increase in bloodshed and hostilies, Frito Lay has announced an aggressive advertising campaign aimed at Middle Easterners.  "We've radicalized so many of them over the last three years that we've had to tailor our message to extremists." 

The advertisement begins with pretzels falling from the sky like bombs.  The camera zooms in on one male Arab teenager, who picks up a pretzel, takes a bite, and looks satisfied.  A voice over proclaims, "Carbs for Jihad!  See, America isn't all that bad." 

This Would be News: Lieberman Picks up Republican Nomination in Nutmeg State

Former Republican Nominee Schlesinger Proclaims: "This Guy Fucks Everything Up!"

Rocky Hill, Connecticut - Less than twenty-four hours after Senator Joseph Lieberman lost the Democratic primary to challenger Ned Lamont, Camp Lieberman was informed by Ken Mehlman, Chair of the Republican National Committee, that the senator had picked up the Republican nomination. 

The nomination seemed to be locked up by Connecticut attorney Alan Schlesinger, who it was agreed had little chance of winning.  But the news did not hit Schlesinger's camp for more than an hour, as the Republican nominee was busy at a fundraiser at which, remarkably enough, Lieberman supporters were in attendance.  When Schlesinger finally was informed of the change, he was picked up by nearby television cameras saying, "You have to be kidding me.  Now I hate Joe Lieberman!" 

Meanwhile, Senator Lieberman's official campaign website was unable to release word of the Republican nomination because the site came under attack in what the Lieberman camp is calling a coordinated effort to sabotage the campaign--though the campaign had halted, anyway, after the primary loss.  While at times the primary campaign in Connecticut has been contentious, never has so much confusion reigned supreme. 

In response to Lieberman's picking up the Republican nomination for senator, Schlesinger announced he would form his own party, the I Really Hate Joe Lieberman Party, hoping to capitalize on Senator Lieberman's lack of popularity, especially after he announced he would run as an independent after losing the Democratic nomination, a bid he withdrew immediately after learning he was the Republican nominee.

The politics of the Connecticut race have reached all the way to the White House.  White House Press Secretary Tony Snow issued this statement after the Republican National Committee made the decision to nominate Mr. Lieberman: "As usual, we don't know what the hell is going on!"

All of this political shifting comes at a time when Connecticut voters seem to be echoing a sentiment popular around the country at the heart of which is a rebellion against the policies of the Bush administration.  Senator Lieberman, however, has remained a resolute supporter of nearly all of Bush's policies--a relationship made famous when the President kissed Senator Lieberman after the 2005 State of the Union address.  Said Senator Lieberman, during his acceptance of the Republican nomination, "I would kiss him again!  I love Bush!  And I love Dick!  A person can love them both!"

Less-than-Daring Juvenility: Olmert Annonces Rapacious Bombardment will Continue

Lebanon's President Lahoud Beds Olmert's Wife, Brags about It

Jerusalem - In a speech today, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert announced the Israeli bombardment of perceived Hezbollah strongholds will continue until, "Hezbollah is rendered impotent."

With the holy site of Temple Mount serving as a backdrop, the prime minister said, "We will render flaccid the rockets of Hezbollah.  We will rob Hezbollah of its rapacious desire to penetrate Israel."

After his speech was broadcast, President Lahoud of Lebanon retaliated, "Hezbollah, acting on its own, will emasculate their forces, softening their will to fight.  They will be all wet!"

Olmert, hearing these comments, issued the following press release: "Israel intends to disrobe the Hezbollah-Lebanon-Syrian conspiracy by exposing those in power who use Hezbollah as a plaything to carry out the systematic molestation of Israeli civilian life."

"Oh yeah," responded President Lahoud, "here's news: I fucked your wife!"

"I fucked your daughter," Olmert responded.

"I don't have a daughter."

"Yes you do," Olmert insisted, "a step-daughter.  Because I fucked your wife."

In response to these comments, U.N. investigators have been dispatched in order to determine who had sex with whose wife and if indeed Prime Minister Olmert fathered a daughter by President Lahoud's wife, fostered her off to President Lahoud, and then had sex with her.

Responding to allegations resulting from his own excited utterance, Prime Minister Olmert issued this statement early in the evening: "At no time did I have sex with anyone related to me.  I was just joking around.  But I bet President Lahoud will use my comments as a pretext for continuing to support Hezbollah's offensive, which is raping our countryside, leaving gaping holes in the rear and defacing our innocents!"

Dang Words: Rumsfeld Outlines Policy of Un-Policy

Indicates Temporary Conflict May Continue Indefinitely

Washington - Forced to testify before the Senate Armed Services Committee today regarding the Iraq War, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld outlined a firm policy of fluid policy-making that may continue indefinitely but is not open-ended. 

When pressed to explain himself, Rumsfeld said, "It is clear that the terrorists we are trying to defeat would be emboldened by our withdrawal from Iraq at present."  When asked by one senator whether emboldening already emboldened terrorists even mattered anymore, Mr. Rumsfeld responded off the point, "Look, do the terrorists want us out of there?  You bet they do!  Do Americans want us out of there?  You bet, maybe more than the terrorists!  Are we going to leave?  No.  Why?  Because that's exactly what they want us to do!"

"Who?" asked the senator.

"Everyone!" Mr. Rumsfeld responded. 

When asked his overall strategy for prosecuting the war on terror, which Mr. Rumsfeld insisted the Iraq War to be part of, the Secretary of Defense answered, "We have to do what we can to protect Americans."

"But how are you doing that in Iraq?" asked one senator.

"By being there.  Look," said Mr. Rumsfeld, "am I happy we're there?  No.  Do we have to defend America?  Yes.  Are we always certain who the terrorists are?  No.  You see," Mr. Rumsfeld continued, "the issue is not what is actually happening.  That's easy to figure out.  Anyone could fight against that.  For this administration, the issue is what could happen.  What do I mean?  Gosh, maybe right now Iraqi insurgents pose no threat to America.  But they could!  Technically, they could!  And if we want to avoid another Nine-Eleven, we have to fight not only against those who have attacked or legitimately threatened us, but against those who could attack or threaten us.  We have to protect ourselves against what could happen by stopping it before it does."

Several senators appeared agitated by these comments, and Senator Carl Levin of Michigan seemed confounded.  But Mr. Rumsfeld insisted upon explaining himself.

"In this war on terror, we must remember one thing: the only thing we have to fear is not fearing what we didn't know we should fear."