Washington - President Bush unveiled his new plan to surge twenty-one thousand, five hundred troops into Baghdad, a surge he insisted would be phased, creating a compound noun: a phased-surge.
When asked how precisely one can phase a surge, the president was quick to point out that while surges are generally considered things which are done all at once, his administration has often managed to do things all at once and over time. "Look, I think we can phase a surge. And I'm the one who makes decisions on whether the surge is phased or unphased. So if you want to see what a phased surge looks like, don't bring up physics or any of that mumbo-jumbo, just rely on me."
The president was then asked whether he thought anyone in America still used the term mumbo-jumbo. "I do," he said. "Watch. Mumbo-jumbo. Mumbo-jumbo." He grinned. "I just like sayin' it."
In tandem with the surge in troops, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice unveiled plans for her own diplomatic surge. Speaking to reporters this morning, the secretary of state indicated she would be meeting with regional leaders to discuss what she called the security situation in Iraq.
One reporter indicated that there are security situations everywhere, and that it would be more appropriate to call the security situation a civil war. The secretary of state responded, "That's why I have to surge!"
She went on to say that she plans to surge for many days. "I don't know how much surging I can do before I get tired, but I'm going to surge as much as possible. I love the way it feels."
Standing beside her, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, "I used to surge all the time when I was younger, but I haven't surged as much recently. It cramps my hand."
"There's medicine for that," the secretary of state said.
Not to be outdone, Vice President Dick Cheney returned from an altered state in which he had become a mound of neon green gelatinous goop to disclose this at a press conference: "In light of recent surges by both the president and secretary of state, I have undertaken my own surge to eat the heads of as many doves as possible."
He had his assistant hand him a live dove, which he ate the head off. He threw the body of the dove at at his aide, who seemed confused. Then he turned into goop again, and his aides shovelled him into a red wheelbarrow and carted him off.